Talking With Ally.

It is me. I mean it has always been me but still. I have always wanted to write but I have lost the ability to be normal anymore. Instead I'm writing here to track my own progress before I meet my new psychiatrist this upcoming Wednesday. I have to say I'm a bit scared. Mostly scared because I'm afraid that nothing is actually wrong with me. What if everything is just a lie? And that I'm just a big loser is all. Anyhow. Let's proceed. I have lost interest in most things now. I have tried very hard to be productive. I want to do a lot of things yet I did none. It's like there's a switch in me that just don't want to do anything. Nothing sparks joy. But I still want to do everything that I plan. Yet all I do is lying down. Doing nothing. And being numb. All this time I thought it was normal. I mean it was sort of normal for me to shut down when I'm alone. But then I realized. Have I always been this discouraged? And isn't able to contr...

To the person who's birthday is on the 26th December, this is the letter that will not be sent to you. I wrote to you many letters before although I'm not even sure if you even read them before I officially stopped sending. I remember receiving one letter from you which got me confused and a bit dumbfounded for a moment that it made me happy truly. Because I know you're not the type to do that. Anyhow, this letter won't be given to you. Due to me wanting peace and not get stuck up with you anymore.  I think it's disgusting. How my birthday is at the first month of the year and yours is at the end of the year. I started the new year with you and ending it with you and it's disgusting. I don't want to tie you with me anymore, the more I see it, I think that you're just another human being. And our meeting really was nothing and it didn't impact me that much. The only thing that did impact me was how I told you I don't like being attached t...

I think my whole life I have always been alone most of the time and never viewed it bad before. I thought it was something familiar and the right thing to do. I never wanted human interactions or the urge to feel myself full with the presence of someone else. For my life has been filled with people most of the time and I don't feel the loneliness nor do I feel like reaching out to someone is needed. But as I go by into my 20s, I realized how much I wanted to feel just full. I am lonely. I never feel this lonely in my life and I don't even know how to fill it. I'm very lonely and I don't know what to do with it.

I thought I was making progress in finding myself again. I reached out to people that knew who I was before I really lost myself and for a second, I remembered who I was before. Ah, who knew I was that bright before? For sure I didn't. I don't remember being labeled as cool, bright, outgoing person. I lost a lot of memory of me where I was full of life. I don't even remember what I am before all this depression and anxiety came along. I thought I could be myself again, I really do. But the goal seems too far. I can't seem to remember how to act like that anymore, I don't even know how to be carefree. I don't know how to enjoy living without wishing for death every time. I don't know how to live. Who am I really before the pain? I can't seem to reach out to her. For I am scared. I am scared of living and enjoying moments because I am scared of being abandoned yet again. I am even more scared of asking the reason why they all decided to leave beca...

I actually promise myself not to use the tool of writing by writing dark things anymore since I want to be better. I really do. And I have been trying hard for the past two years for myself. But I felt like nothing is changing and I am scared. Last Thursday I went to the klinik with my best friend. Since I realized I am not able to be myself at all for the past few months and have fear doing things in general. Results came in stating that my anxiety and depression has been very bad. Especially my anxiety. Not shocking, I know myself that the result would came out as bad. The thing is right now, I want professional help but I am scared. I don't even have guarantee that I'm going to be fine. Heck, I even feel bad for people who think I am doing progress. I don't want to do anything nor do I want to even get out of bed nowadays. I can't focus, I can't do anything and I am mad. Mad at myself. Because I know this is not me. Also mad at myself because I don't kn...

I have been very careful in what I tell people these days. Not even sure if I should be talking anymore. Man I really am tired of talking shit haha. Why am I even trying for? As in you don't know that the same shit will keep on happening. Same thing over and over and over again. I'm tired. I really am. Why do I still have to breathe every single day?

I was reading a book called 'Suicide Note' today and I have just been thinking? Since when have I been thinking of death as an escape road? I wish I remembered it well, I wish I have a solid answer for that. It just seems natural at some point, to think of death I mean. I thought I would remembered all the feelings that lead to me thinking about that. Reading the book made me think of myself a lot more. Jeff was confused why he attempted and I thought oh wow this guy is dumb and said I know why I want to but the more I think about it, the more no reason of it that I can't recall anymore. It just seems natural to me. Everything doesn't feel wrong anymore. The book questioned why it's wrong to take your own life and I feel more sadden that I agree. The thing is, my mom was talking about her friend who had cancer and was so positive of wanting to fight and live. And how she said that most of the sick people wish to be healthy which made me question myself, how lo...