Talking With Ally.

I thought I was making progress in finding myself again. I reached out to people that knew who I was before I really lost myself and for a second, I remembered who I was before. Ah, who knew I was that bright before? For sure I didn't. I don't remember being labeled as cool, bright, outgoing person. I lost a lot of memory of me where I was full of life. I don't even remember what I am before all this depression and anxiety came along. I thought I could be myself again, I really do. But the goal seems too far. I can't seem to remember how to act like that anymore, I don't even know how to be carefree. I don't know how to enjoy living without wishing for death every time. I don't know how to live. Who am I really before the pain? I can't seem to reach out to her. For I am scared. I am scared of living and enjoying moments because I am scared of being abandoned yet again. I am even more scared of asking the reason why they all decided to leave beca...

I actually promise myself not to use the tool of writing by writing dark things anymore since I want to be better. I really do. And I have been trying hard for the past two years for myself. But I felt like nothing is changing and I am scared. Last Thursday I went to the klinik with my best friend. Since I realized I am not able to be myself at all for the past few months and have fear doing things in general. Results came in stating that my anxiety and depression has been very bad. Especially my anxiety. Not shocking, I know myself that the result would came out as bad. The thing is right now, I want professional help but I am scared. I don't even have guarantee that I'm going to be fine. Heck, I even feel bad for people who think I am doing progress. I don't want to do anything nor do I want to even get out of bed nowadays. I can't focus, I can't do anything and I am mad. Mad at myself. Because I know this is not me. Also mad at myself because I don't kn...