Hello.

It is me.

I mean it has always been me but still.

I have always wanted to write but I have lost the ability to be normal anymore. Instead I'm writing here to track my own progress before I meet my new psychiatrist this upcoming Wednesday. I have to say I'm a bit scared. Mostly scared because I'm afraid that nothing is actually wrong with me. What if everything is just a lie? And that I'm just a big loser is all.

Anyhow. Let's proceed. I have lost interest in most things now. I have tried very hard to be productive. I want to do a lot of things yet I did none. It's like there's a switch in me that just don't want to do anything. Nothing sparks joy. But I still want to do everything that I plan. Yet all I do is lying down. Doing nothing. And being numb. All this time I thought it was normal. I mean it was sort of normal for me to shut down when I'm alone. But then I realized. Have I always been this discouraged? And isn't able to control my own body?

It's like I know it's me. But I'm living in someone else's body and I am not in control of my own actions. I don't know who's me. But this is not me. Before this I tried reading, I tried everything. I mean before this at least I have hobbies. This days feel just super long. Yet short at the same time. I did nothing, I proceed to do nothing. And then realized it's 5PM. Oh, drama mula pukul 7, okay at least i'll shower. 

Then I showered. After that I tengok drama. Yet the time after that I have no clue what to do. I just want to sleep. For a very long time. Before this I couldn't sleep, I would write, do graphics or do anything to isi that masa lapang. But now I don't. I just want to sleep. And do nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I watch the TV or dramas or anything on Youtube. But the more I watch things, the more I realized I don't even understand what they're talking about. I can't focus. Yet I don't even think. My mind is always somewhere. But is also nowhere. I don't even remember what I set things up. I don't remember a thing.

It's like nothing just sparks joy. At all. No matter how much I try, there's no way out. I'm scared. I'm scared of myself the most. No matter how hard I look for a solution out, it seems like the only way out nowadays is just death. 

And I don't want to die. I just want things to end.

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