Talking With Ally.

I think I'm fully ready to become an artist. It's always anxiety keeping me away from making art again but now I'm thinking of just doing it. Getting mad at and being kicked away is the least I should worry about. I should just do it. I love art. I love it so much. And I will keep on making it. I didn't thought that a kid inside me is still mad at myself for not being able to do art but it is. This has always been my dream and I will not. let. anything. get. in. my. way. anymore.

It's 8:50 PM and I'm counting down the bizarre times before my birthday strikes in and I turn 22. I don't know why I'm anxious but I'm anxious. A lot of thoughts. Too many thoughts perhaps. I just don't like birthdays? But then again I don't like New Years as well. It's just the thought of me getting older always led to me thinking about death. Like what am I doing? Wasting time? Being alive? I don't know I don't know I don't know. A lot has changed since 2019. Heck, a lot has changed for the past 6/5 months probably. Sometimes it feels like I'm back in 2012. Especially when I'm around Aliah and Aiman. And the pain of 2014 is still very vivid to me. A lot happened that year, it really went really downhill from there.  You know what's more sick? It's been 3 years since my ex-classmates in Diploma did a surprise birthday party for me. Which made it also 3 years ago that I attempted suicide and was dating someone who...

Hello. Today's posting will probably be long. Since I want to touch upon a lot of things and write it down as much as I can. Hopefully I don't get side traded and will be able to write it down properly. Let's meet our old version of Aliah Nabihah.  2012 was pleasant wasn't it? You were able to stand on your feet. After a year of not believing in yourself, you moved to a class where no one knew who you were. Well some at least. Since some of them were new people and not from your previous school. You were bumped at first, for knowing that you're in the same class with a guy you had hated his guts in sekolah rendah before because of an incident with him. Which was fine - your feelings were hurt. To stay away was your choice and I don't deny your actions and your decision.  Anyhow, the class was a mess. You became close with the person that you swore won't be close with which was Aiman. Fast forward you guys grew really close. As close as friends c...

It is me. I mean it has always been me but still. I have always wanted to write but I have lost the ability to be normal anymore. Instead I'm writing here to track my own progress before I meet my new psychiatrist this upcoming Wednesday. I have to say I'm a bit scared. Mostly scared because I'm afraid that nothing is actually wrong with me. What if everything is just a lie? And that I'm just a big loser is all. Anyhow. Let's proceed. I have lost interest in most things now. I have tried very hard to be productive. I want to do a lot of things yet I did none. It's like there's a switch in me that just don't want to do anything. Nothing sparks joy. But I still want to do everything that I plan. Yet all I do is lying down. Doing nothing. And being numb. All this time I thought it was normal. I mean it was sort of normal for me to shut down when I'm alone. But then I realized. Have I always been this discouraged? And isn't able to contr...