Lingering pain.

I thought I was making progress in finding myself again. I reached out to people that knew who I was before I really lost myself and for a second, I remembered who I was before. Ah, who knew I was that bright before? For sure I didn't. I don't remember being labeled as cool, bright, outgoing person. I lost a lot of memory of me where I was full of life. I don't even remember what I am before all this depression and anxiety came along.

I thought I could be myself again, I really do. But the goal seems too far. I can't seem to remember how to act like that anymore, I don't even know how to be carefree. I don't know how to enjoy living without wishing for death every time. I don't know how to live.

Who am I really before the pain? I can't seem to reach out to her. For I am scared. I am scared of living and enjoying moments because I am scared of being abandoned yet again. I am even more scared of asking the reason why they all decided to leave because what if the answer to all that? After all this time? Has always been no other reason than just they don't like me for me. How am I supposed to fix that?

I don't want to live with the thought of someone saying that all the reason that happened in life has always been my fault. Not anymore. Not after picking myself up after 21 years. As the pain never heal. 

I am just better at tolerating and faking it until it numbs away.

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