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Being 22, I guess let's live.

Honestly, I have been afraid of growing up for awhile now. What type of new pain do I have to endure? When will my other painful memories become easier to tolerate? Will my pain ever feel lighter and not too heavy anymore?  But these days I haven't thought too much anymore. I'm letting myself feel whatever that I want to. I used to held off my feelings a lot - feeling like I shouldn't be feeling that way or even running away from it. Instead of thinking too much about everything else other than the present, I guess it's easier to deal with myself and feelings these days. Not sure if it's because I haven't gone out and experience a lot of things in general in 2020 but I hope these progress will be easier to do as time passes by. I let my teenage years and some of my childhood to depression and anxiety that it affected my 20s as well but I don't want to surrender to it anymore. I don't want to let it go over me anymore. I want to be able to enjoy li...
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Hey, it's been awhile since I write anything honestly. I wanted to, I always do but somehow I couldn't make myself to do it. Not sure what's stopping me other than myself but probably because I don't want to think or acknowledge stuff in general. Although I know I shouldn't push things away and confront it with myself in order to let me feel things but here we are again, with the same habit. I guess I'm stuck. I don't have any motivation to do anything, no sense of anything. I don't know, I feel useless and unworthy that is. This is shit, what am i even doing honestly? I want to vanish I supposed.
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Crisis.

You know how some things you read in a book and thought " wow that's fun " and think what if that happen in your real life instead? Yea I used to think of that when I was 13 and reading Cecelia Ahern's "Where The Rainbow Ends" while imagining if I was Rosie, I would told my bestfriend how I feel sooner than she is. But now that I'm 22 and going through things that she's going through, I have 0 confident on what to do and what is right.  It's so easier to dodge the problem and not think of your feelings than to admit how you feel about someone doesn't it? Hence I do understand why both Rosie and Alex tried to run away from it. Okay let's break it down first before we explore about I guess, how I feel about certain things.  Me and Aiman have known each other for so long. Probably 15 years now since we knew each other since we were 7 though our introduction to each other is a funny story ㅡ I never thought we would be long runtime f...
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Today was stupid.

I am stupid. I knew better than to get into a man's car and let him treat you nice. The face of him just smiling is making me sick. I thought I was fine. I was ranting, being mad, being able to comprehend what he did but did I do that just to confirm that it was fine? And it wasn't that much of a bad thing. It was normal. He knows what type of person I am yet he did what he did. God I just don't want to remember his face. It's just disgusting. I was terrified. I am terrified. And surprised that, that happened to me. I just want to cry so badly about it but I'm feeling more numb-er huh. Life just sucks, it really does. And I just really don't want to do romance now. 
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I think I'm ready.

I think I'm fully ready to become an artist. It's always anxiety keeping me away from making art again but now I'm thinking of just doing it. Getting mad at and being kicked away is the least I should worry about. I should just do it. I love art. I love it so much. And I will keep on making it. I didn't thought that a kid inside me is still mad at myself for not being able to do art but it is. This has always been my dream and I will not. let. anything. get. in. my. way. anymore.
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I am turning 22, holy fuck.

It's 8:50 PM and I'm counting down the bizarre times before my birthday strikes in and I turn 22. I don't know why I'm anxious but I'm anxious. A lot of thoughts. Too many thoughts perhaps. I just don't like birthdays? But then again I don't like New Years as well. It's just the thought of me getting older always led to me thinking about death. Like what am I doing? Wasting time? Being alive? I don't know I don't know I don't know. A lot has changed since 2019. Heck, a lot has changed for the past 6/5 months probably. Sometimes it feels like I'm back in 2012. Especially when I'm around Aliah and Aiman. And the pain of 2014 is still very vivid to me. A lot happened that year, it really went really downhill from there.  You know what's more sick? It's been 3 years since my ex-classmates in Diploma did a surprise birthday party for me. Which made it also 3 years ago that I attempted suicide and was dating someone who...
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Maybe there is hope.

Hello. Today's posting will probably be long. Since I want to touch upon a lot of things and write it down as much as I can. Hopefully I don't get side traded and will be able to write it down properly. Let's meet our old version of Aliah Nabihah.  2012 was pleasant wasn't it? You were able to stand on your feet. After a year of not believing in yourself, you moved to a class where no one knew who you were. Well some at least. Since some of them were new people and not from your previous school. You were bumped at first, for knowing that you're in the same class with a guy you had hated his guts in sekolah rendah before because of an incident with him. Which was fine - your feelings were hurt. To stay away was your choice and I don't deny your actions and your decision.  Anyhow, the class was a mess. You became close with the person that you swore won't be close with which was Aiman. Fast forward you guys grew really close. As close as friends c...
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