Talking With Ally.

Procrastination. Something I'm good at, something I've been doing a lot these days too. My mind has been too anxious to do even small task now since I feel like everytime I'm about to sit down and do things that I HAVE to do, I just feel.. anxious. And most of the time I run away from it.  I can slowly feel like I'm losing myself so that's that. I'm not sure how or what I should do but I'm working on it slowly. Maybe too slowly than I expected. I tried listing down things that I have to do and focus but I lose my attention so easily and get into a spiral of overthinking over and over again. Which then leads to me postponing it more and more when it's not even a big deal and I can actually just get it over and done with. Ah, get your shit together man. You have to Aliah, you really need to. I also notice that I've gotten more quieter with my own words. Afraid to express anything, afraid to say anything. Not sure what I'm afraid of even.. ...

      I know I usually start my post with a time and venue of where I'm writing this but again, like the post before this, I am actually writing this at our UiTM library. 1:06PM to be exact. I have been wanting a lot of more alone time as of lately so this is the spot that I usually am now. I guess I wanted to be free from stuff. Just a lot of air. To be able to breath easily again. I have a lot. Like a lot of things inside my mind currently. And one of them is the fact that maybe, just maybe, I will never fit in. A wallflower. A constant wallflower. The person who is there and sometimes aren't but doesn't make any changes to the people around her. A friend of mine asked me why I was so scared of being left out before, since I wanted to fit in so much. And I supposed I found the answer.  I was scared. I was scared of falling into being yet another wallflower. I spent most of my days in highschool being a wallflower. And then diploma lagi. Now degree too? I a...

                       I'm actually at the library right now. It's 3:14PM and I actually had a really really bad breakdown again. The thing about crying in the car, su*cidal tendencies come so easily. Hence that's what happened to myself just now. I honestly didn't know where to go or where to run to or who to call earlier so I end up driving around pekan and stopped somewhere because I was crying too much. I thought I wouldn't feel that pain again but I did. I was actually close to call the hotline for help but I know I have to explain so I didn't.                         I don't know what triggers me. Or I do know, I just don't want to admit it, is all. I wanted to write down my feelings but I don't? Even know what I'm feeling right now. Rasa macam loser. And I don't even know nak keluar from that thought. Maybe I should masuk kelab apa apa. I need new air, n...

        Currently it's 2:08 AM on a Sunday... night? Morning? Well, let's call it midnight instead. Everyone in this house is asleep and as usual, I am in my own state of mind and thoughts. Which I actually don't mind. On some days, the deafening silence keeps my anxiety loud. On another day, it's just a peaceful night where I can do things on my own. After all, I do better things when I'm alone and in my own space. Strangely, tonight isn't the case for neither of it. I supposed you can say it's a night to reflect on myself? It's been a tough, very roady, 21 years living. And soon I'll be entering 22 too.        To tell you the truth, I took a look back on my old blog. It was a hobby that I developed ever since I was 11 and had been continuously writing until probably last two years? I have actually forgotten why I stopped writing but I have been writing in my journals too nonetheless. And in my phone's notes. Well, I wrote letters for someone ...