I am scared.

I actually promise myself not to use the tool of writing by writing dark things anymore since I want to be better. I really do. And I have been trying hard for the past two years for myself. But I felt like nothing is changing and I am scared.

Last Thursday I went to the klinik with my best friend. Since I realized I am not able to be myself at all for the past few months and have fear doing things in general. Results came in stating that my anxiety and depression has been very bad. Especially my anxiety. Not shocking, I know myself that the result would came out as bad.

The thing is right now, I want professional help but I am scared. I don't even have guarantee that I'm going to be fine. Heck, I even feel bad for people who think I am doing progress. I don't want to do anything nor do I want to even get out of bed nowadays. I can't focus, I can't do anything and I am mad.

Mad at myself. Because I know this is not me. Also mad at myself because I don't know what else to do. Am I even worthy of living at this rate? I don't know.

I'm scared of the future.

And I'm scared of living.

What if all this time where I thought things will get better, nothing is forever is just a big lie to undercover the fact that I will stay this way. Forever. A burden.

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