Delay.

Procrastination. Something I'm good at, something I've been doing a lot these days too. My mind has been too anxious to do even small task now since I feel like everytime I'm about to sit down and do things that I HAVE to do, I just feel.. anxious. And most of the time I run away from it. 

I can slowly feel like I'm losing myself so that's that. I'm not sure how or what I should do but I'm working on it slowly. Maybe too slowly than I expected. I tried listing down things that I have to do and focus but I lose my attention so easily and get into a spiral of overthinking over and over again. Which then leads to me postponing it more and more when it's not even a big deal and I can actually just get it over and done with. Ah, get your shit together man. You have to Aliah, you really need to.

I also notice that I've gotten more quieter with my own words. Afraid to express anything, afraid to say anything. Not sure what I'm afraid of even.. Like where did my confidence really go? I talked it out with Aiman the other day because I have been crying at the library a few days and I just needed help but that didn't actually impact anything and yet I am still wondering what, why and how do I fix this?

I have to say this time, in adulting, in the manual book of adulting, I don't know how to handle things when I am sure of how to before. I mean, sure, I do dumb things most of the time. But in some situations, I just react however I want. But these days? I don't have the capability of showing my emotions the way that I want to. Being rational is my number 1 priority since I don't want to regret or wish I could better in some situation. I am lost. I am stuck. In 2018, being 20, I thought I was improving in growing up. Finally dealt with a lot of my old mistakes and shits that I did back then, took my responsibility and fixed a lot of things. But in 2019, I am back in the first step as I was in 16. Lost, confused, frustrated, wanting guidance. 

I grew up in a household where my parents are busy. I grew up with the guidance of the people in the internet. Books being one of the teachers that taught me life lessons. Communication then became a weird thing as I don't talk about a lot of matters with anyone. After growing up for 21 years old, I just realized how bad I am at small talks. 

What do I even say to the family of a person that I accidentally knocked over? Having eyes that stared at me, lying down on the bed looking over me as if stating that 'you did this. you did this, you did this,' over and over again. 

What do I even say in a car filled with pure silence on the way back as if nothing but disappointment is put over my shoulder? Witnessing the small child and his dad hugging and kissing each other after they went through a near-death situation got me thinking if I should just take over my own life when all I ever am is a failure and a dissapointment. 

How do you even be a cool adult? A cool adult that doesn't panic when their plan went haywire or when they suddenly go a bit late from the actually schedule. A cool adult that is able to mutters words that make sense from their own mouth when is given a shitty situation. A cool adult that doesn't cry and feeling overwhelmed by the social anxiety that she has whenever attention is set upon her and the society isn't judging her in the first place.

I'm just a lame adult. Who has major anxiety and depression problems. When will it ever stop?

Or I have just always been a lame kid who has problems talking in general.

I wish I am better at communicating.