Meetings with different version of me.
Currently it's 2:08 AM on a Sunday... night? Morning? Well, let's call it midnight instead. Everyone in this house is asleep and as usual, I am in my own state of mind and thoughts. Which I actually don't mind. On some days, the deafening silence keeps my anxiety loud. On another day, it's just a peaceful night where I can do things on my own. After all, I do better things when I'm alone and in my own space. Strangely, tonight isn't the case for neither of it. I supposed you can say it's a night to reflect on myself? It's been a tough, very roady, 21 years living. And soon I'll be entering 22 too.
To tell you the truth, I took a look back on my old blog. It was a hobby that I developed ever since I was 11 and had been continuously writing until probably last two years? I have actually forgotten why I stopped writing but I have been writing in my journals too nonetheless. And in my phone's notes. Well, I wrote letters for someone as well. But had stopped earlier this year for various reasons. And now I'm here. Ready to let down my thoughts into a proper writing again. It's been awhile hasn't it?
The things that I realized when I was reading about my old entries, although I don't understand the point of view of my old self due to growing more matured because of more life experiences now, I realized that the feelings - the sorrowfulness, the loneliness, the pain, the laughter and the happiness that I felt back then. They are still very raw in me. I realized that although my mind has accepted things happened for a reason and dah redha dah pun dengan apa yang jadi, the feeling that I felt in my heart is still the same.
Although I don't agree with most of the views that I had back then, I understood why I did what I did. Perhaps if I was slightly younger (probably 19-early 20 or something) I wouldn't be able to forgive the mistakes that I made but now when I look back, I actually felt more sad at the view of myself back then. She was in too much pain, none heard her, none helped her. She was basically screaming for help but none took her in. And the most heartbreaking thing? She couldn't even find the love in herself to love and help herself.
For the past few days, I actually found myself yearning for more and more affectionate from people when all of my life, I have never felt bothered by it. Needing attention? Something I would never admit that I need. But I found myself wanting it day by day. And then I realized is it because I never got them in the first place while I was a kid that I never asked for it and now that I know how good it feels like to receive those love, I miss the feeling of it?
I feel bad that as a teenager/a child, I never properly know what love was and handle a lot of things as a person. I never had the right guidance from a rightful adult and had to resolve with learning things on my own but I am also glad that I found the right surrounding to grow into the person that I am today. Perhaps without the love and support that I gain from my university days, perhaps I would still be cold and will keep hurting people more and more out of vengeful that others gave me.
I wish to meet my old self and gave them a big hug. This big sister is living well. The future that you were worry about, you guys are going through it with a more open and calm heart. I want to thank myself for being brave and going through everything when we wanted to give up so much all these years. The fact that I could have been bitter, salty and just pure evil out of receiving those bad treatments, I managed to find love. A love that heals. The love that I had the ability to love myself too. Maybe my old self would laugh since they are, too, afraid of love but I hope they know even when we don't received love romantically, love exist in the most random and unexpected ways. And I received it in a way that I was able to love myself almost fully now.
If only they had the same love for them, they would have view the world more confidently and is not afraid to take challenges and won't constantly beat themselves for things that they can't control of. Maybe living isn't that bad since the pain of the old wounds some doesn't hurt as much before. Youth is all about getting hurt and learning from it doesn't it? Let's live well and be more patient. Even when you're tired, Aliah, let's remember to take care of each other better.
To the Aliah Nabihah who might read this when she's in her late 20s, I hope you're happy.
I hope you aren't treating yourself bad. We are proud of you no matter what. You did well.
To tell you the truth, I took a look back on my old blog. It was a hobby that I developed ever since I was 11 and had been continuously writing until probably last two years? I have actually forgotten why I stopped writing but I have been writing in my journals too nonetheless. And in my phone's notes. Well, I wrote letters for someone as well. But had stopped earlier this year for various reasons. And now I'm here. Ready to let down my thoughts into a proper writing again. It's been awhile hasn't it?
The things that I realized when I was reading about my old entries, although I don't understand the point of view of my old self due to growing more matured because of more life experiences now, I realized that the feelings - the sorrowfulness, the loneliness, the pain, the laughter and the happiness that I felt back then. They are still very raw in me. I realized that although my mind has accepted things happened for a reason and dah redha dah pun dengan apa yang jadi, the feeling that I felt in my heart is still the same.
Although I don't agree with most of the views that I had back then, I understood why I did what I did. Perhaps if I was slightly younger (probably 19-early 20 or something) I wouldn't be able to forgive the mistakes that I made but now when I look back, I actually felt more sad at the view of myself back then. She was in too much pain, none heard her, none helped her. She was basically screaming for help but none took her in. And the most heartbreaking thing? She couldn't even find the love in herself to love and help herself.
For the past few days, I actually found myself yearning for more and more affectionate from people when all of my life, I have never felt bothered by it. Needing attention? Something I would never admit that I need. But I found myself wanting it day by day. And then I realized is it because I never got them in the first place while I was a kid that I never asked for it and now that I know how good it feels like to receive those love, I miss the feeling of it?
I feel bad that as a teenager/a child, I never properly know what love was and handle a lot of things as a person. I never had the right guidance from a rightful adult and had to resolve with learning things on my own but I am also glad that I found the right surrounding to grow into the person that I am today. Perhaps without the love and support that I gain from my university days, perhaps I would still be cold and will keep hurting people more and more out of vengeful that others gave me.
I wish to meet my old self and gave them a big hug. This big sister is living well. The future that you were worry about, you guys are going through it with a more open and calm heart. I want to thank myself for being brave and going through everything when we wanted to give up so much all these years. The fact that I could have been bitter, salty and just pure evil out of receiving those bad treatments, I managed to find love. A love that heals. The love that I had the ability to love myself too. Maybe my old self would laugh since they are, too, afraid of love but I hope they know even when we don't received love romantically, love exist in the most random and unexpected ways. And I received it in a way that I was able to love myself almost fully now.
If only they had the same love for them, they would have view the world more confidently and is not afraid to take challenges and won't constantly beat themselves for things that they can't control of. Maybe living isn't that bad since the pain of the old wounds some doesn't hurt as much before. Youth is all about getting hurt and learning from it doesn't it? Let's live well and be more patient. Even when you're tired, Aliah, let's remember to take care of each other better.
To the Aliah Nabihah who might read this when she's in her late 20s, I hope you're happy.
I hope you aren't treating yourself bad. We are proud of you no matter what. You did well.
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