A little time to think.

      I know I usually start my post with a time and venue of where I'm writing this but again, like the post before this, I am actually writing this at our UiTM library. 1:06PM to be exact. I have been wanting a lot of more alone time as of lately so this is the spot that I usually am now. I guess I wanted to be free from stuff. Just a lot of air. To be able to breath easily again.

I have a lot. Like a lot of things inside my mind currently. And one of them is the fact that maybe, just maybe, I will never fit in. A wallflower. A constant wallflower. The person who is there and sometimes aren't but doesn't make any changes to the people around her. A friend of mine asked me why I was so scared of being left out before, since I wanted to fit in so much. And I supposed I found the answer. 

I was scared. I was scared of falling into being yet another wallflower. I spent most of my days in highschool being a wallflower. And then diploma lagi. Now degree too? I am afraid of the attention and will always probably be. But I don't want to be just another being. Forgotten and unfazed. Whatever she does, she won't be with us. 

I went to an interview yesterday. For our broadcasting club and only wanted to be apart of the commeetes. Like literally just orang bawahan. Turns out that they wanted to ask me to sign up for the president's place. Rasa kerdil. I am literally no one. But at the same time I am upset with myself the most. Back then I knew who I was. Although people can't trust me, I can trust myself to be able to do the best. 

But these days? I can't even trust myself to even be able to continue on breathing. 

To continue on her days without her hands shaking.

And for her to talk without jumbling on her words. 

I want to breathe. I want to breathe so well. I want to feel relieved. 

To be able to do that in a sea of people where hatred is one of the big thing in their heart? Seems impossible. When will I be able to breathe?

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