Maybe there is hope.

Hello. Today's posting will probably be long. Since I want to touch upon a lot of things and write it down as much as I can. Hopefully I don't get side traded and will be able to write it down properly.

Let's meet our old version of Aliah Nabihah. 

2012 was pleasant wasn't it? You were able to stand on your feet. After a year of not believing in yourself, you moved to a class where no one knew who you were. Well some at least. Since some of them were new people and not from your previous school. You were bumped at first, for knowing that you're in the same class with a guy you had hated his guts in sekolah rendah before because of an incident with him. Which was fine - your feelings were hurt. To stay away was your choice and I don't deny your actions and your decision. 

Anyhow, the class was a mess. You became close with the person that you swore won't be close with which was Aiman. Fast forward you guys grew really close. As close as friends can get, almost like Aliah. I didn't know at that time that friendship would last. Who would honestly? We were teenagers, doing dumb shit, hoping that things would last forever. Until you both caught feelings for each other. That's where the doom start didn't it? Fast forward again, you guys fought once then reconcile and the friendship also lasted for a long while. Until again, he started having feelings for you again.

The cycle continues, you guys broke up then never wanted to see each other anymore at all. At least you swore to do that. Then came 2018. And here you guys are now in 2020. Still being friends, after years of hating his guts. I really don't know why? And how exactly we become where we are now. I swore I didn't want to lean onto him even when both of us are chill with each other. He is still my ex-boyfriend nonetheless, that's just a disgusting thing to do. Especially after what he did and what YOU did to him.

I just wanted to ask the old past me. Since I have been curious if you guys were seeing the version of me right now, would you love and be proud of where I have gotten? My state of well-being have been very bad, I have became more suicidal than ever. Nothing change on that measure.

But I have made peace with the things that I hated before. And I just want to let the past me know that you shouldn't tie yourself too tight. Upon a lot of stuff that had drag you down before. Let the pain go, slowly drop the pain. It's been too long, we have to move on.

I met a new psychiatrist today. 2017 would be very happy and relieved if I were to tell her that we finally found someone who understands us. And that I am finally feeling hopeful again about recovery. I never thought about being better at all. But I guess now it's possible. We're getting there baby steps. We're doing it. Finally.

We'll be fine. I believe in us.