I am turning 22, holy fuck.

It's 8:50 PM and I'm counting down the bizarre times before my birthday strikes in and I turn 22. I don't know why I'm anxious but I'm anxious. A lot of thoughts. Too many thoughts perhaps. I just don't like birthdays? But then again I don't like New Years as well. It's just the thought of me getting older always led to me thinking about death. Like what am I doing? Wasting time? Being alive?

I don't know I don't know I don't know.

A lot has changed since 2019. Heck, a lot has changed for the past 6/5 months probably. Sometimes it feels like I'm back in 2012. Especially when I'm around Aliah and Aiman. And the pain of 2014 is still very vivid to me. A lot happened that year, it really went really downhill from there. 

You know what's more sick? It's been 3 years since my ex-classmates in Diploma did a surprise birthday party for me. Which made it also 3 years ago that I attempted suicide and was dating someone who was toxic for me and I was toxic for him as well. 3 years since someone asked me to go die (literally) and 3 years since I was numb for the longest time. 

Shit. I'm still alive. And I don't know whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. Am I doing good in life? Feels like time is slipping off my fingers so quickly. Bro, don't even get me started on not wanting to celebrate this year's birthday. My final paper is on my birthday. And the thought that I have to be with the people that made me anxious makes me want to puke out of being anxious. I'll probably take my xanax before I go there tomorrow. High while taking my paper, I'm really saying fuck it huh. 

I don't know. I don't like birthday celebrations. Especially not when I used to cry during it all the god damn time. Everything just feels raw when this time of the year comes around. Keep on making me question if I should even be alive and not a fucking failure that is. Just something about it makes me anxious - knowing that I wouldn't be celebrated makes me feel awful. 

So I rather not have that day being acknowledge anymore. 


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